homecoming 2004

homecoming was last night. it was a load of fun. better then last year actaully. took alot of pictures and spent alot of time with some friends. too bad we didnt win the spirit stick thing but the seniors cheated because they used paper plates as masks but its okay. but we won the hallway and we worked hard on it  so its okay and it was really close. .. and i won dutchess wowowow. pretty suprised. and pretty much a great night. i had alot of fun with elyssa and whitney and justine and daniel and alexis. im sorry mika that you couldnt come. i missed u.

have you ever felt so lonely and meaningless.
sometimes i think to myself that theres a reason things happen in life but why does it have to be so complicated..and full of bull shit. faux pas. an empty feeling in you stomach, wondering why things have to be this way? how do people look at me? is having my own character a wrong thing?..is it becuase im so open and outgoing to people and a lil "differnent" that maybe i wasnt good enough//i felt that i was capable with full of commitment//in my thoughts eveyone has a specail talent, a specail talent that brings them out of the box that expresses who they really are.i on the other hand havnet figured mine out..im still on a that path looking for that one quality. or so i think i am..maybe its there allready and i just dont know. everytime i try to commit to something it seems as though there is many obstables, and i try to get through them one by one putting effort and trying my so called best. but there is always one that hits me hard and causes me to not cross the finish line. someone told me that "i wasnt trying my best"..how do i know if i tried my best? i know its not good to give up but if i cant do anything to change it what can i do, because i thought i tried my hardest. maybe i did something in that past that is hitting me back now. i just cant help this feeling thats hurting me inside. i always thought that smiling would make you feel better and make everything all rite. but sometimes its just not enough.or all the ppl wondering whats a matter when really you dont want to tell them because they never understand how you are sensitive because they dont know that deep down inside your hurting..i never felt this confused feeling...maybe its all stress after all that homework and crap you get from you teachers and parents. sometimes i wish that i could just run away from all my problems even though i know that it wouldnt solve anything/ i knw that theres ppl that care about me out there..i mean even the closest people. its just rhat i imagine that this is a fight between myself. because no one is going to help me change..and really understand how i feel//i hope i figure out how to escape this phase..i havent been true to myself latelty..either i know i hurt important people for these past few days//i just dont know how to explain this feeling i have. i hope i can enter my normal self... and be happy again. life is full of complications..maybe its a time for me to change and grow up and be mature and stop being this lil imature child that i act....and grow up. maybe i will learn more.